FROM BASEBALL BATS
TO ROCKET LAUNCHERS
Liberty City is over-run with unregistered weapons
By Chris Carruthers, Crime Correspondent
March 1st 2001 5:16pm EST
Police interview a man who seems a long way from home plate
Gun sellers in Liberty City have never had it so good! Police are reporting incredible rises in the numbers and diversity of weapons owned by seemingly all of Liberty City's population as violent crime continues to be a blight on our great city. Last week's rocket launcher incident in the Trenton district, photos of which we are printing exclusively today, has been followed by a new outbreak of disturbances in the city. A new craze is sweeping through the city, thought to be linked to the repeated failure of the city's sports teams. Baseball bats are no longer used for hitting home runs, but for hitting home boys in a spate of what a police spokesman has called "Baseball batting people over the head." City sports retailers are reporting a 200% increase in bat sales compared with last year, even though it is only early March, while hospitals are reporting a huge increase in the number of bat injuries being treated in Emergency Rooms across the city. All of this suggests Liberty City is a long way from sorting out its crime problem, although it does bode well for the quality of coaching on offer to Little League players across the city.
The reasons for last week's rocket launcher attack are unknown. It seems that today, mindless violence can break out at any time in our city. Some criminologists think there may be a gang war taking place. Eric Ershwitz, Professor of Contemporary Crime at Liberty City Community College commented, "When people start blowing up cars and buildings with rocket launchers, there may well be a problem."
Thankfully, resourceful Libertarians are responding by driving to work in tanks, or by buying rocket launchers of their own, because everyone knows the last thing a bully with a rocket launcher wants is a missile bearing down on him at incredibly high speed.
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