I hope you likin' what you readin' now... I'm on the info-mation super free-way and it is a piece of pie boy! If you've wet nursed five piglets, and given birth to your own little piglets all in the same week like yo mammy did you ain't gonna be findin' us a unable to use no computee. Anyway's boy, I hope you and yo sister Beth is a raisin' yo little young 'un well and healthy and a feedin' him the grits like yo mammy said. I enclose a recipe for 'shine that'll keep you pair a lovin'. The country is a better place for yo, 'cause these city folk is prone to grumble and a gossip and don't understand that things is things and babies need to be raised no matter. I'ze also sending you bad news regardin' the King. Not THE King, but The King... he's still a drinkin Beanie and all, half pint, but he's a getting' the whole darn rollickin' lot of us in trouble with them Zaiboozie fellas or whatever their god damn name is, 'cause he's been tryin' to flog tha stuff to on the black market. And those weirdo fellas, those ones that all looks a same (and they says we's inbred? The cheek, damn, you and Beth don't even have the same mammy anyhow) They's upset 'cause the Beanie makes them funny fellas want to make romance and so on and 'cause that Icelandic guy is so god damn bitter and can't get himself a piece o' ass cause he looks so god damn funny with those skin legions and all, and the police is hatin' the noise and the Beanie Shine fo months now, so business is as usual here, and same number o people needin' to be shut up and laid to rest as ever.. so boy, we's a thinkin' of you at this time o'' year, so near General Lee's birthday and rememberin' the 1st Assault on Bull run. We's all thinkin' o you and the way you used to drive around, send us a reply and enjoy the photo from the Rifle Association Dance when The King gave us a song, and Forrest Chump danced the chicken and then a-mated one.
Lovin' you and a-leavin' you,
Post Scripting from all the usual - amazed that Pappy can write a letter - Davie Duke, Dwight Boakin, Montana Shane and Dizzy "The Hump" Spleen , Sgt Dud Clark, Donny Black, Bo and Luke Duke, Buckwheat, Matt "Feeling pale" Hale, Richie Wayne, Clint "the magpie"Barrett, Johnny Cheque, Tyler Cobb, Rossco, John boy Lurie, Ernest Tubb, Feuman Capote, Bobo Jacksonville, Tom Measures, Harp Lee, Candy Store, Soda Pop, Hot dog McShaw, Patsy Decline, Pie Trailer, Cletus, Old Uncle Jesse, Forrest Chump, Eastwood Cooper all send their regards, and reckon the last time I wrote was to sign my name in court on those silly incest charges.
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